My Impressions Of The Bachelor Contestants If I Were The Bachelor

I'm happily married and have been for the last 25 years. That being said, if I was in Peter Pilot's shoes, this would be my gut reactions to each of the contestants on this season of The Bachelor.

WARNING: My opinions, are judgemental, cynical, shallow and probably rude. But to quote Ricky Gervais, "I don't care". Having spent part of last night's debut with a group of women, I can assure you these takes tame in comparison.

FRONT ROW: SARAH, MADISON, LAUREN, TAMMY, DEANDRA, PETER, KIARRA, LEXI, JASMINE, MYKENNA, SYDNEY 

MIDDLE ROW: KELLEY, NATASHA, KELSEY, SAVANNAH, KYLIE, HANNAH ANN, KATRINA, COURTNEY, JADE, VICTORIA F.

BACK ROW: ALEXA, EUNICE, AVONLEA, MAURISSA, MEGAN, PAYTON, SHIANN, VICTORIA P, ALAYAH, JENNA

PHOTO: ABC/Craig Sjodin

Contestant by Contestant Analysis

Aalaya (Orthodontist Assistant) Huge rack and plunging neckline were a big distraction as I missed your smile and your eyes. After focusing upward saw you were very pretty but Ortho Assistant screams you worked as a stripper to make money to pay for the Dental Hygienist school you attended in a strip mall college. Grandma Rose letter? You're trying too hard. 

Sydney (Retail Marketing Manager) Another “Bama girl. You seem to be very quiet and demure, but then stepping out of the limo and immediately throwing Hannah B under is a bad look. At least you didn’t say “Roll Tide”. 

Hannah Ann (Model) Anyone who says they’re just a “normal girl” and happens to be a model for the one of the largest modeling agencies in the country and also prays at the table with her family before every meal obviously has no idea what it means to be normal.

Sarah (Medical Radiologist) Stop giggling. And the zipper is too obvious on the back of your gown. Did your cousin make it for you?

Lauren (Marketing Executive) - Your motto is “If it scares you do it”. You know what scares me? Your pantsuit. 

Victoria P (Nurse) My son is a nurse so I already have a soft spot for you. Very attractive but the happy dance cost you valuable points. Judging by your house it appears as if your mom rebounded well from addiction, but that could hinder my alcohol consumption during family gatherings. You've got a STRONG puke and rally game.

Mykenna (Fashion Blogger) Translated fashion blogger means you're unemployed, own a laptop and have a Wordpress site. Having a huge crush on someone before you meet him and seeing yourself as Mrs. ______ shows extreme bunny boiler potential. You spell your name with a “y”, so you probably dot your “i’s” with little hearts. 

Mauressa (Patient Care Coordinator, aka receptionist) Really cute. Great smile. Real eyebrows. You can gain and drop weight like Christian Bale. But when you went in for the pinky swear in the first meeting you pushed commitment too early. 

Kelsey (Professional Clothier) - Look 28 going on 35. Went overboard on the lip gloss. Professional Clothier = Assistant Manager at Forever 21. 

Eunice (Flight Attendant) - Sorry dear but you have to go simply because your name is Eunice. Eunice is not a wife’s name. Eunice is the name of an old aunt everybody knows is a lesbian but denies it by saying “she just never found the right man”. 

Jade (Flight Attendant) Your look scares me. There is no doubt in my mind you have a side hustle as dominatrix specializing in ball stomping. 

Megan (Flight Attendant) You're a flight attendant who looks like every other flight attendant, but you know the flight attendant hand signals so at least you're good at her job. 

Madison (Foster Parent Recruiter) Very attractive. Great smile. Easy on the lip gloss. Good crossover dribble and can still hit the three which allows me to overlook the paper airplane entrance. However, being an Auburn grad could spark a never-ending “War Eagle - Roll Tide” feud if Hannah B sticks around which could work against you. 

Tammy (House Flipper/Realtor) Flips houses which is big plus because I’m bad with handyman chores. Your ability to free weight deadlift 270 could come in handy if we’re putting in a patio. Huge quads may not look attractive in a little black cocktail dress. 

Shiann (Administrative Assistant) You're probably the most normal of the bunch. Too bad your dress looks like my mom’s “holidays only” dining room tablecloth. 

Courtney (Cosmetologist) You felt you had to “do something cool to impress me” and you chose to pedal in on a 4 year-old’s toy airplane? For that reason alone you've been eliminated before you even get to the free champagne. 

Kiarra (Nanny) You arrived stuffed in a suitcase like you're a victim of human trafficking. Chris Harrison said “we should probably cut you in half later”. I’m in. Not to mention you're probably already banging the dad.

Lexi (Marketing Coordinator) You've obviously never worn a fancy dress before and clomp around like a cowboy. But I bet you have a “dirty” side that will come out after a half dozen Jaegerbombs. I'm also betting you smoke and have your own pool cue. I wouldn’t marry you but I would absolutely go boozing with you. You'd be one a hell of a wingman.

Deandre (Home Care Coordinator) You show up wearing a windmill and immediately proclaim you're "ready to go". Yes. You're ready to go home.

Payton (Business Development Rep) Your big red puffy pants make you look like you don't have feet. Your amazed reaction to Peter and Hannah’s “4 times in a windmill night” tells me your previous encounters are most likely one-off’s at the TKE house. Absolutely bulletproof during your confessional segments confirm it. But I'll keep you around for at least a few more weeks for entertainment purposes because everyone loves a hot, semi-sloppy drunk girl.

Jasmine (Client Relations Manager) I have no idea what you’re saying. Let me download the Babbel app quck so we can continue the discussion inside should you choose to insist of staying away from using English during our next conversation. 

Kylie (Entertainment Sales Associate) You work in “Entertainment Sales” and flip out an accordian roll of condoms begs the question “Are you in-call or outcall and how much extra for FGE?” 

Katrina (Pro Sports Dancer) Wasn’t buying the “hairless _____” tease as it’s the current grooming standard. The "I own a hairless cat" reveal immediately puts you high on my creepy scale because you own a hairless cat. 

Victoria F -(Medical Sales Rep) Bat. Sh*t. Crazy. You're the evil one. Probably helped the devil talk Eve into eating the apple just to get her out of the way.  

Jenna (Nursing Student) Showed up with an “emotional support” cow that a couple of the girls think is a pony. Even if it was your emotional support cow, one look at its bloated belly, bony ribs and exposed backbone, tells me you're not feeding it. I bet you had a lot of goldfish that died of neglect when you were a kid too.

Savannah (Realtor) Blindfolding and kissing in the first two minutes of the introduction has a certain Sharon Stone/Basic Instinct je ne sais quoi that I personally find quite enchanting. It earns you a spot in my Power 5.   

Kelly (Attorney) Working with your “super over protective” brothers who are also attorneys is a big red flag as they will most likely spend most of the time telling me about where they did their undergrad and went to law school. They'll punctuate the story with "I passed the bar on my first try". It's a safe bet their career goal is to join the Illuminati. My initial reaction if I saw you in a SoCal hotel lobby wouldn’t be attorney, it would be escort. 

Alexa (Caregiver/Vagina Waxer) Very pretty but pick one or the other. Additionally, I hope you keep your client lists separate because I shudder to think of the outcome if you ever got your appointment books mixed up.  

Avonlea (Cattle Rancher) Pretty hot...for a cattle rancher. However, if Jenna’s malnourished emotional support cow was one of your herd, it’s probably best you're looking for a man to take you away from the range. 

Natasha (Event Planner) Stop with the eyes. They make you look crazier than ‘Crazy Eyes’ on Orange is the New Black - and you’re over 30. I strongly suggest you skip the cocktail party and use the extra time to change your flight. 

Hannah B (Bachelorette, DWTS Champion) We all told you Peter Pilot was your man last year and you chose to go off with a dog food jingle writer with a bad beard and a Guitar Center guitar. Suck it up, call your agent and start booking recurring appearances on Match Game.

Drew & K.B.

Drew & K.B.

Drew Olson & K.B., afternoons on Milwaukee's Sports Talk That Rocks, 97.3 The Game! Read more

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